Lost

It has been awhile since I blogged. So much has happened and I think that I should start from the beginning. I lived in Philadelphia with my parents. My mom was diagnosed with Dementia and Parkensons when I was in my early twenties. I stayed to help my father with my mother. It was very difficult to watch what she went through and I guess selfishly I was mad at her for it. She ceased to be the mom I knew but I never stopped loving her.

I started dating my husband when I was 30 and we began to plan our life together but that life moved me away from my parents. I moved to Chicago and as beautiful as it was, it was never home to me. I could only get home twice a year and trust that my two older sisters were helping my parents. That was very difficult for me as I was very close to my family. To date we still celebrate everyones birthdays together. I know secretly when I left my dad was mad at me. Although he knew it was my time to move on in life, he was surprised I did it. Like a good Daddy though he told me I always had a room waiting if I ever needed it.

We lived in Chicago for four years. I met friends but lost my job with millions of others in 2009. I could not find a job. Even the fast food places around us were not hiring. One day in 2010 my husband came home and said the best words I have ever heard, " We are going home". I did not waste a minute without calling my dad to tell him the  news. I missed them all so much I could not wait to get home.

I came home to Philly in Nov. 2010. I planned to stay with my parents so me and my husband could find a place to live. All plans changed. My father who had been my foundation had a Hemorrhagic Stroke. He had come home from the store and told me he got lost. I was shocked and then he walked straight into a door in front of me. I immediately brought him to the hospital where they told me he was bleading in his brain. I signed papers to give him medication to try to control it and franticly went outside to call my sisters to tell them to get their buts up to the hospital.

My dad recovered from that stroke only to take many more in the upcoming months along with heartattcks and seizures. I could not move out. I tried to get a job but was so worried they would both kill themselves without someone being there 24/7 I could not keep working. My husband tried to help where he could but only I could control situations that had arisen. I did everything Dr's told me too. I tried everything to keep them going but they still left me.

In October my dad first went in the hospital for Oedema on his legs. It was what I thought to be routine when his medication was not strong enough. Two days later, my mom was saying she could not walk. I called an ambulance and took her to the hospital. Her stats were dropping and I stood there in shock as I did not know how bad she was. They finally stabled her and then my dad stopped breathing or so they say as my dad had sleep apnea and sometimes it looked like he stopped breathing (normal for people with this). Next thing I know I am getting a call saying they intibated him and he was in ICU with my mom. In shock, me and my sisters went room to room in the same ICU. Day by day, one was up while the other was down. They guilted us into intibating my mom even though we knew that was not what she wanted. I refused to give up on them even though the hospital did. They kept telling me both my parents were going to die and I was not having it. I told them all where to go.

My mom on Oct 27th 2011 went in to a heart rythem where they felt the need to shock her and killed her. I walked in on my my shaking on half her body. In a panic I asked the Dr if she was having seizures and he said, " I do not know". I flipped out and told them to help her. I told them to knock her out. Then my one sister walked in who is a nurse and said, " Lainie, they fried her". We told them to take her off the intibation and let her go. I sat there and watched painfully as my mother died. My sister still says now she does not know why they shocked her.

Now, my dad who is also intibated, had no idea his wife died, was still fighting for his life. They told us he would not make it off the intibation. He did at 100% saturation. He was breathing fine. They ruined his swollowing reflex by intibating him. He could barely eat after that but I was still not giving up.  He was then moved to hospice where we were told he only had two weeks because his heart was bad. That was beggining of Nov. I prayed everyday for a miracle and got a little one as my dad woke up one day and started eating.  He rallied and was talking to us. Well in hospice they did not want them to get out of bed so they started giving him medication that knocked him out. That put him down again and he would not eat after that. I was up there everyday over him trying to get him to eat and I finally had to do what I thought I would never do. I let him go. He did not eat for weeks and I just held his hand everyday. December 16th 2011 I lost my foundation.

It has been a nightmare since I moved home in 2010. The nighmare continues with me buying their house and estate issues. I have been going non stop with everything and no break. There is not a day that I do not cry for my parents. I miss them horribly. My dad told me months ago not to cry for him if something happens but I am so mad and sad I cannot help it. I feel like I was cheated of time.

My family and friends think I should talk to someone but I just do not want to talk to anyone right now so I am writting this blog. I know I am not alone. I know others are grieving at this very moment. I hope they read this to know they are not alone.

I am just trying to get through this mortgage and estate issues so I can move forward in my life. When my life slows down here I know I will start to heal. Right now, I am Lost but again I am not alone.

Mom and Dad, I miss you everyday. I know we will be together again. I love you both.

Happy Birthday Mom!

 

Reflection

     Today my friends children decided they wanted to open a lemonade stand with all proceeds going to Alex's Lemonade Stand. For those of you who do no know her remarkable story, please log onto http://www.alexslemonade.org/ . I just do not feel qualified to tell her beautiful story.

In the daily grind of our lives there should always be time to pause and remember just how lucky we really are. Sometimes the universe in all its glory talks to us in different ways. It can leave suttle hints or hit us so hard we can barely get up.

For me, today it was the big hearts of children. I walked around the corner today which I will admit I cannot remember the last time I did that. I seen friends I have not spoken to in awhile. I just wanted to give to the cause that for a brief moment made me smile. I have learned the hard way recently to hold on to those precious moments.

Although Alex is gone, her legacy remains in the smiles, hopes and dreams come true for billions because of her heart.

            I just wanted to say, " Thank you ".

Education Never Stops

We live in a world full of different races and religions. Separated by continents. We all have thoughts, feelings and patriotism for our countries. Does this separation really make us different? I learn a lot everyday from you. I have tweeted with people all over this world. Some nice, some opinionated and some malicious. Who is right and who is wrong? Although we live in different nations most of us have one common bond. We are human.

Recent events drove me to write this. Osama Bin Laden was killed by US Navy Seals. I am a very open minded person but not on one subject, “Terrorism“. On 9/11/2001 I woke up to the noise of my whole family in my living room. I went down stairs to see what was going on to find out that a plane hit the Twin Towers. Then the news quickly flashed on the Pentagon saying another plane had hit that too. In disbelief of what was going on I could not take my eyes from the TV. As I was watching still, I noticed another plane that looked too close to the buildings and said something to my family. They stopped talking and watched. Another plane had hit the twin towers. You could see firefighters and police running in the buildings as people were running out. Time seemed to slow down. My eyes glued to the TV, they showed the buildings crumble down, one by one. Human beings running for their lives. My house was silent. The next image was just dust. Later, they reported a plane went down in Pennsylvania.

This happened because some psychopath decided they did not like everyone in the US. He thought we all should die. Do you think he was right? Thousands of human beings died that day. They woke up that morning, told their families they would see them later and went to work. Does that sound familiar? They were not armed. Had no agenda further than their job. These human beings never returned home. Would you feel differently if Al-Qaeda did this to your country, your people?

I have listened to a lot of opinions. I myself have mixed feelings about him not being brought in alive. I was surprised at all the malicious, uneducated comments saying , “We deserved what we got“, “We did it to ourselves“. Make no mistake, we are not alone in fighting terrorism. They have been plaguing other countries all over the world killing innocent human beings. Are the people of the United States lives any less than yours? What makes your country so much better? Do not say your Legal system, as we all have issues. Do not say your politics, as that is the first complaint of every country in this world. Do not say your people, as we all have a few rotten fruit. The only thing separating us are invisible lines. That does not make you a better person or more human.

I never thought myself better than anyone. I am a middle class person just trying to get by in this world like everyone else. I care about people. I do not want to see anyone hurt regardless of race, religion or continent. I love animals. I do not want to see them hurt either. I just want you to know that 9/11/2001 has changed me forever. When I hear a plane, I do not stop watching where it is going. When I board one, I look at every single passenger. I cant help wonder if they are a terrorist. Sad, but I am not alone. I wonder everyday when they will attack us again. Where they will attack us again. I do not want to die. I do not want my family, friends or people to die. No human being deserves that.

I learn everyday from all of you. I hope you learned something from me. I respect opinions but not malicious or arrogant comments. I do believe in Karma, “What goes around does come back around”. Education Never Stops.

Patience

I have learned alot in the past few months. So I want to share some of my experiences with you. I am a bit of a hot head. I thought after taking care of my mom years ago before I moved that I learned some patience. That did not happen. I also sound like a truck driver with my mouth when I get mad.

I have told you in previous blogs that I have moved back to Philly from Chicago. When I got in town my dad who was my moms caregiver had a Hemorrhagic Stroke. I had to move in with them to take care of them and their house. Running back and forth to Dr's and hospitals. It really is a wake up call for anyone and more stress than you can imagine.

I have been fighting with Dr's, Nurses, and family the whole time. Trying to get some help from anyone. I cannot even tell you the language I have used. You would really be appaled at me. I have been tired and run down. Sick very bad twice. I have not been sick like that in years.

I did it to myself. Call it self infliction. One of those things that appall me about others. I finally sat down and looked at the whole picture. I was driving my husband nuts. Being mean to my parents. I was killing myself. That is not acceptable.

Instead of just speaking my thoughts which I must say that I am very good at that. I have since took another road. Thinking before I speak. I also am now taking some time for myself so I am not so irritable. I have always preached think before you speak and practiced it until I came back home.  I took a step back again to make sure I am true to myself.

I will fight the world to protect my parents. Even from within. I know how hard it is to put yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to take care of your loved ones. They took care of us once. I think it is our duty to do so. Just think before you act. Take the smart road. Patience is the hardest virtue to learn but we all have it in us. Remember to take a step away to look at the whole situation. You will be surprised at what you can see.

Shooting the ****

I know its has been a while since I blogged. So much has happened. Right now I am the caregiver for two of my parents. It is very draining. Most nights I do not sleep because my dad is wondering around our house and I am afraid he will get himself in trouble. We are working very hard with doctors to rectify his sleeping habits. I got into a brawl with one of my sisters for not helping with my parents. I told both my sisters they need to step up to the plate because I am at my end now.

Still looking for a job in between the madness. I went on an interview where I was told that I am over qualified. Just made me laugh. Yes, through all I still have a sense of humor. I decided life is too short to keep worrying about it all. The guys with white coats might take me away if I do. Hmmm.... Maybe a well needed vacation. Yet on the news here everyday. We are told the economy and jobs are great again. I guess some people get sucked into the bull. Again I just giggle.

Tired of hearing about all the celebrity wows. Boo Hoo. Lindsey Lohan.....really not much more she can do to herself. So who is it this year that is going to cheat on there spouse? Bets anyone? Lets not forget about the million dollar weddings this year. I know that is important. Prince William and Kate. I like them both but that ring she is wearing is doomed. Just saying!!!

Well, I hope 2011 is a much better year than 2010 was for everyone. Hope is necessary to survive. I still believe and wish everyone the best.

CHRISTMAS DELETED

Over the years, I have heard how Christmas tree's offend people and the word Christmas. It has always been here in the United States of America. You are taking away my rights to celebrate my holiday. If you want to build and express your holiday. I am 100% behind you. You do not have the right to take my traditions from me. I it is my constitutional right to express my holiday as well as yours.


This country and our politicians need to open their eyes. I have never made a comment about anyone else’s holidays or tried to take them away. If we cannot celebrate our traditions as we have for many years in this country then you should not be able to celebrate yours.


It is ridiculous that we have come this far. Politically correct is an infringement on my rights as a US citizen. I pay my taxes. I was born and raised in this country and I have rights just like you. I am not telling you to stop your holiday. Leave mine alone.

Follow Philadelphia, PA example. We are the first to fight. There are many traditions that our lost in this country along with values. What are we teaching our children if we cannot support the foundation of our own country.  : http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/local&id=7820429

STOP DELETING CHRISTMAS

Christmas Spirit

I want to apologize. This is the first time in a couple weeks I could take time to blog. Between moving from Chicago to Philly. My Dad having a stroke and taking care of my mom. Running between both. Not seeing my husband for weeks. I still have not finished Christmas shopping yet. It has been nuts.

I think this is a perfect time to talk about this subject. What is the Christmas Spirit? This time of year is sensitive to all of us. It does not matter where you live, how much money you have or what religion you are. Some how we all feel something stronger at this time of season. We cannot quite put our fingers on it. Looking at decorations. A persons face. We just see something more than what we see all year.

I went shopping the other day. I noticed that people were a little nicer. Holding doors for other people. Saying excuse me to get by. No tempers flaring. It was a nice change of pace for me. My patience have been worn thin from all the craziness in my own life. It finally made me stop and take a breath for a minute.

We all have bad things happen to us. Things we cannot control. It makes us feel helpless to the people we want to help. I needed to remember that I am surrounded by people who are just like me. We all have our problems in life. It is how we handle them that matters.

For me the Christmas Spirit is a moment in time to reflect and then pass on happiness to others. Saying hello to someone. Tell them to have a nice day or just smile. Remember, it is the little things in life that matter. You will be surprised at how far a good gesture will go. I am sending positive thoughts to all of you and a big hug to all that needs one.

Wishing you all Love, Happiness and Peace this Christmas Season.